The Only Abnormality is the incapability to love

2009-07-27T17:40:00.003+08:00

A feeling i have never felt before.

The feeling is so strange to me. No words could explain the anxiety i was facing when she was inside longer than expected.
She came out in daze and crying in pain.
I do not know how to react.

I am trying my best. I am still trying.

All i wish now is for her speedy recovery.

I thank God that complications were kept to the minimum and that she is on the road to recovery.

2009-07-01T22:57:00.002+08:00

"Why are you crying?"

"Because i am a women".

"I dun understand"

"You will never understand"

- All women cry for no reason -

When God made women, they have to be special.
God made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world yet gentle enough to give comfort.

God gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

God gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

God gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances even when her child has hurt her very badly.

God gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

God gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife but sometimes test her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, God gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.

2009-06-04T22:59:00.003+08:00

I am VERY angry and disappointed at you. And that serves as a purpose for me to write this. Whatever that i am going to mentioned may not be anything nice for you to read but i hope it let you see the big picture and REFLECT ON YOUR ATTITUDE.

Questions after questions keep popping up in my head and you hold the answer to everything. I firmly believe that IF YOU TREAT US AS YOUR BESTFRIENDS YOU SHOULD BE HONEST AND OPEN TO US INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY OR KEEPING QUIET. WHAT A WAY TO TREAT YOUR BESTFRIENDS.

First of all i would like to inform you that we choose not to wish you on your birthday because you told us to "leave me alone then". And so we granted your very wish. We tried to get answers from you and were concern but you pushed us away. It was a damn awful feeling to get pushed away by your very own bestfriends. I was damn disappointed at your attitude. I may not be the best and nicest person on earth but at least i know NOT to pushed away my bestfriends because i treasure them.

We were waiting for you to actually call or msg us to make up for it BUT YOU DID NOT. YOU CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY. And let me tell you, running away DOES NOT solve anything. It will just remain as that. You lied and you cannot expect us to find you right. We already did our part by calling you and dropping by your place to talk things out but your 'heck-care' attitude that day was just plain rude. You DID NOT even want to open the present which we already told you was something special to us. What was even disappointing was that you did not even give us any damn indication that you appreciated it at all! And worse of all you were not open to us.

UP TILL NOW WE STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE TO LIE. WHY SHAFAWATI. WHY?

You can be crying and feeling sad (which i am not sure if you are anyway since you got SO MANY friends around you who care for you) about everything but if you CHOOSE TO CONTINUE THAT WAY NOBODY CAN HELP YOU. We tried to help you by hoping you will open up and express yourself (and stop saying that you are not good at that because there are so many ways to express yourself) but you choose to keep quiet. AND SO STOP SAYING NO ONE IS THERE FOR YOU. That is bullshit. If you choose not to talk, we will not be able to know and when we do not know we are unable to help you.

"This always happen on my birthday" - Shafa, we tried to make it the best for you but you ruined it yourself. And what was more shitty was that you even got the cheek to even say on sunday that "it already happen and i cannot change it, so i can only say sorry". For goodness sake shafa, do you even think a sorry serves to solve everything without any PROPER explanation!!!!!!!! That tone and attitude when you were saying that is seriously plain 'heck care'.

Is this how you treat your bestfriends? If you continue being this way being egoistic and quiet you will just end up regretting this very day. YOu will regret your actions and serve to lose a precious friendship (if you still feel that our friendship is precious).

You keep saying you have no friends la, and you would rather be spending time with us if given a choice BUT YOUR ACTIONS DOES NOT SEEM TO SHOW ANY OF THAT. As a matter of fact, you have many friends who actually love and care for you.

And if you still continue to keep quiet and not speak up.. i really do not know what to say of you aymore.

You have changed into someone i do not know anymore. Anyway enhoy yourself on your birthday.

Right this moment, all your friends might say that i am very evil and mean. But to be treated by you in that way has leave me with no choice. You may think that i am being cruel but let me tell you.. so are you..

We want not only sorry but an explanation and answers.

2009-06-02T23:15:00.003+08:00

On Job Training

I feel resentful towards the way i was treated and insinuated at.
Lets see. my objectives for OJT is to learn as much as possible and for learning to take place, i need to be proactive.

I have to admit that my Proactive-ness was super super mild to the extent that i was always seen doing nothing but sit down.

I am not proactive because i was alone in an unfamiliar terrain. I need to be certain of the flow of the work and i definitely cannot do the paperwork because i am not from there and they obviosuly do not trust me because I AM A STUDENT.

SSN: You know you are attached here, you need to walk around. There is a camera you know (Pointing at the camera). You know you need to walk around.

Me: (Nod head, smile) Ok. *I got the hint*

In ma heart, Whadda hell. Its 8am and there is NO patient. What am i suppose to do!!!

And so i walk around (as instructed) looking at paintings at the same time trying very hard to find things to do to occupy myself.

ok here is a scenario.
What do you do when an agitated patient refused her blood pressure to be taken by you and is very agitated +++ ?
Try again later right? and If that doesnt work still what do you do? Leave it blank like that even though you know that she was given IM Lorazepam?

Last resort is to seek the help of the family members la.

SSN: The machine cost thousands of dollars you know. Cannot leave the machine like that. Cannot let the Family member do (while looking at one of the SN). If spoilt how?

I know she was hinting at me because I WAS THE ONE WHO SEEK HELP FROM FAMILY MEMBERS. I knew she just does not trust me.
Damn you la. the blood pressure of the patient more important right. And anyway, if you are really so concern about the machine, tell me straight to my face la. STOP INSINUATING.
She ignored me and pretend as if i was invisbile.

I HATE. Really hate being here. Its boring having to idle around, trying hard to find something to do with minimal patients for my 8 hours shift.

Blood pressure taking.
"chatting" with the patients while awaiting to be seen by Drs.

How much can this occupy me for the damn 8 Hours and at the same time having to tolerate irritating SSN who thinks i know nothing and doing nothing. I really wish i was never here.

I have NEVER love attachments since my Diploma days and that feeling has never chanegd one bit.

2009-05-21T00:03:00.000+08:00

My Grandfather may my day. =)

2009-05-20T00:41:00.002+08:00

I fear when the sun set.
It really dawn on me that the feeling is crippling.

I tried to stay away and thought i was strong enough for everything but God has its own plan for me. Fate definitely has its way of ridiculing you at times leaving me dumbfounded at times. I pray to God everyday to give me the strength and serenity to wake up every day with the sun shining on me.

When life hits me hard on the head, i drop unconscious and hope that i will never wake up but i will always wake up somehow picking up the little pieces at a time. It has never been an easy task but somehow i manage to scrape by.

To start with, i am never perfect, living in an imperfect home leading a nothing out of the ordinary life. And i have learnt that i can never expect to be treated the same like how i treated people. At the end of the day i will just end up hurt and disappointed.

I wait for the sun to rise everyday hoping that the crippling feeling will stop haunting me.

2009-05-10T00:35:00.002+08:00

It somehow just feels like months.
It just feel odd and out of place not being able to hear you. It may sound superficial but not being able to hear you makes me feel far.
But it is all about putting that trust and faith in you.

I can do it. I have to be strong and patient.
When the going gets tough, always look forward to the light that will shine at the end of the tunnel.

2009-04-13T00:12:00.002+08:00

Silence is golden.

A skill that i need to master. The loudness seems to be getting out of hand.

2009-04-12T20:57:00.001+08:00

2009-04-08T19:49:00.002+08:00

1. I am insensitive
2. I am inconsiderate
3. I offend everybody
4. I always got no time
5. I am definitely not a good fren

Sometimes it just hurts when the people around you expect you to understand their point but no one understand my point.

2009-04-07T02:05:00.001+08:00

2009-04-06T21:21:00.001+08:00

SEVENTEEN:
You look at their profile constantly.

SIXTEEN:
When you're on the phone with them late
at night and they hang up, you still
miss them even when it was just two
minutes ago.

FIFTEEN:
You read their Texts and Ims Over and
over again.

FOURTEEN:
You walk really slow when you're with
them.

THIRTEEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.

ELEVEN:
When you think about them, your heart
beats faster but slower at the same
time.

TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.

NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see
the
other people around you, you just see
him/her.

EIGHT:
You start listening to slow songs while
thinking about them.

SEVEN:
They're all you think about.mile when you hear their voice.

SIX:
You get high just from their scent.

FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when
you're looking at them.

FOUR:
You would do anything for them!

THREE:
While reading this, there was one
person
on your mind this whole time

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that
person, you didnt notice number twelve
was missing

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now
silently laughing at yourself.

2009-03-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

2009-03-22T22:15:00.001+08:00

Im currently running thru walls just to see everything end.
I hope and wish it will be over and done with soon because im not even sure how long am i able to last going at gear 6 for so long...

2009-02-18T23:38:00.004+08:00

Me through her

Saw her and flashes of myself was seen in her. I try not let it affect me but unfortunately it did. It jolted emotions that i have long hidden deep inside and i thought it was almost covered. It got dugged out.

I feel for her and at the same time myself.

Every step of the way was pricked by sharps. I would called that a period of the dark.

Black was the only colour that i fancy. Rainbow and silver lining does not exist in my vocabulary of life then.

It was a black tunnel with no light at the end.

I was intoxicated with overwhelming negative feelings and thoughts.

what was thought to be acute reaction become a habit.

It was easier to sink myself in than to stay afloat. Drowning was the only solution i saw.

I murdered myself unknowingly. And i die.

2009-01-15T00:06:00.002+08:00

Its hard picking up the pieces but its much harder to keep the pieces together.

Its just so much easier to fall apart.

When hope starts to fade away, you feel like the four walls starts to give way.

Faith and continue believing or Give up. You decide.

To continue believing and have faith allows u to cultivate the hope that seem to diminish.

Give up, fall apart and move on to another chapter.

The mind has a way of screwing things up. Along the way, doubt sets in. Am i doing the right thing. Am i making the right choice.

To continue this path or change my path.

The battle inside is never ending.

2008-12-17T22:37:00.002+08:00

Lynn: Can i have 2 piece fish and fries meal.

Long John Boi: Shrink?

Lynn: Huh?

Long John Boi: Shrink?

Lynn: Huh? [ And so i look at the menu on top and wonder what about the meal i can shrink ]

Long John Boi: Shrink?

Lynn: Drink is it?

Long John Boi: Yes shrink.

2008-12-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

2008-10-19T01:02:00.003+08:00

Im emotionally sicked and tired.

Im tired of rejection. uncertainty. insecurity. last minute agenda. loneliness.

Im tired of me.

Why is God putting me through all this. Why is He testing me in this way. It just never ends.

Im beginning to lose my grip.

2008-10-18T21:44:00.002+08:00

My Saturdae

11.30am: Woke up from bed. Slept at 6am previous night.
11.35am: Tries to go back to sleep.
12.00pm: Logged on into comp and check out holiday trip.
1.00pm: Tries to go back to sleep again.
2.00pm: Stare into space
2.30pm: Logged on into comp and zonk out infront of comp
3.00pm: Wash my bike [ After a few months ]
4.30pm: Cook a meal for myself.
5.00pm: Spring cleaning
7.30pm: shower
8.00pm: tune in to HBO.

Currently my clock reads 10.11pm.

A dae to waste.

2008-10-17T15:16:00.003+08:00

T.G.I.F T.G.I.F T.G.I.F

Ahhhh...

I almost forgot what it feels like.

I'll be looking forward to more of it. hehe!

2008-10-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

Though the joy of getting Duit Raye is no longer applicable these days, it got replace by another form of joy. Its a Joy i get from meeting up with my close buddies and love ones on Hari Raye. I could not asked for more.

And this year, i think we got a bigger fan base for our LaLa fan club.. eheh!

2008-10-12T12:29:00.002+08:00

Im gonna miss all of them by the many lots!

All of them make my working experience alot more bearable.

Special thanks to Deng. She guide me with patience. Allowing me to work independently while correcting my mistakes when necessary. Tolerating my everything.She gave me alot of room to grow. Thank you so much.

Many many thanks to the one, who gave me the opportunity to improve myself. Im really really very appreciative and totally grateful. Thank you sister!

2008-09-17T23:25:00.001+08:00

Yummy...! =p

2008-09-15T17:25:00.003+08:00

Thank you

Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for never giving up on me.Thank you for being my everything.

2008-09-13T19:40:00.002+08:00

A new Found Hobby

You know how im NOT a morning person but my granny just loves the morning shine. And so im supposed to be at my granny's place early yesterday morning.
You can imagine. Waking up slowly, dragging my feet to granny's place.
I almost wanted to tell my granny that i'll be a bit later. haha!

But i do not know why, a sudden surge of enthusiasm came over me. I was so semangat baking that i did not want to stop. I almost forgotten that i was sleepy. haha!

And so... i found a new hobby to keep myself occupied. Woohoo!
It might be momentarily or it might be for a very long time to come. I just have to wait and see how long my enthusiasm lasts. Hehe!

2008-09-11T17:26:00.002+08:00

Been wasting my life doing nothing lately. My leave came at the wrong time. Super wrong.
Just watching dvds, sleeping in late, waking up late. Same routine, different day.
Looking forward to nothing.

Can't really say i miss work but with me doing nothing every single day, i rather be working.

Irony of everything.

2008-09-07T21:17:00.005+08:00

"when people you know might became people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now you can barely even look at them. "
Was doing some spring cleaning of some sort and came across alot of past memories, pictures mostly.

Great memories! Lurve every single bit of it. The great fun we were all having back then. haha! Priceless!
To: Everyone of you who were/ are still a part of my life;Thank you for all the wonderful memories. I lurve every bit of it. And it is not possible without each and every sinlgle one of you.Though we no longer meet as often as we like and for those whom i dun meet at all, i just would like you all to know that you are still remembered by me!

2008-09-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

• leave her cute text notes.
• kiss her in front of your friends.
• tell her she looks beautiful.
• look into her eyes when you talk to her.
• let her mess with your hair.
• touch her hair.
• just walk around with her.
• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES.
• look at her like she's the only girl you see.
• tickle her even when she says stop.
• hold her hand when you're around your friends.
• be the one to take her hand, don't make her reach for you
• be the one to call her, don't make her always call you
• when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
• let her fall asleep in your arms.
• get her mad, then kiss her.
• stay up all night with her when she's sick.
• watch her favorite movie with her.
• kiss her forehead.
• give her the world.
• write her letters.
• let her wear your clothes.
• when she's sad, hang out with her.
• let her know she's important.
• let her take all the photos she wants of you.
• kiss her in the pouring rain.
• when you fall in love with her, tell her.
• and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved someone before.

2008-09-02T08:19:00.002+08:00

The case of the missing mirror.

* Pls give me back my mirror *

2008-09-01T17:30:00.004+08:00

Our Sunday

HANA you are MISSED by us!

Haha!! The Agitation she was put through..
My Crepes! Yummy... =p
Anwayz... Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa..

2008-08-30T23:03:00.004+08:00

Everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

2008-08-30T15:53:00.002+08:00

JCI Accredition Audit is finally over.. over for at least 3 years i think.

Though i didnt contribute much, actually i think my contribution only amounts to a mere 20% in comparison to my other colleagues who were much more senior but everyone was not spared of the stress.
The daily Roll call on the 6 JCI goals, the constant becking to get our documentation right, the constant reminder to buck up on our professionalism and nursing care. It was like eat, sleep = JCI.

Phew. It is finally over. We can all take a breathing air.

2008-08-28T00:04:00.003+08:00

The number 23

It is not just a number. It is everything. The number will continue to grow.
The accumulated sins, deeds, courage, failures, success,heartbreaks, short-lived happiness and experiences.
At times i wonder what gives me the strength to continue on living despite everything. Its God.
There are alot of times, i thought i lost my faith and i stop believing in Him. There are alot of times i felt He wasnt being fair to me.
But it was all a test of my faith and as proven, i failed every single time.
The road ahead is not going to be easy and it will never be. I will continue to trip and fall. get myself up again. Slowly but surely with God's will. Everything just serves to strengthen my faith further.

2008-08-27T22:28:00.002+08:00

My patience has been running thin lately.
A short circuit fuse somewhere.

Been ultra sensitive to every thing.
Behaving like a spoilt brat towards little boi.
Throwing tantrum any-oh-how.

This must all stop.

2008-07-20T22:03:00.002+08:00

The long awaited picnic.

So when was the last time i had a picnic - ages ago. Really ages ago.

I just love the process of preparing for the picnic. From groceries shopping to making our own food to eating them, though we cant finish it. And i was the one munching most of the time - whats new right... haha!

A quiet day at the beach just chatting, cam-whoring and sun-bathing [ though there wasnt really any sun] haha!

2008-07-18T20:38:00.002+08:00

Its plain disgusting to just take credit for something u didnt do. Asshole.

Its just not right you know. Rude. So rude.

And to think of it, you are so damn thick skin!

2008-07-04T00:33:00.002+08:00

Honesty + Insensitivity + Ignorence = Trouble.

I suck!

2008-06-25T03:13:00.003+08:00

Well it seemed like yesterday
When the world was looking dark
It felt so cold and grey
And why the hell am I even here
What's the purpose, all I feel is guilt and hate and fear

Till that day you came along
My heart was empty
Like the soul was missing from a song
And I thought I'd loved a few
No one ever made me feel
The way that you do

Hey little girl
Look what you do
Oh, I love you
Hey little girl, I love you

Well I know I'm not always right
And girl it breaks my heart
When I have to see you cry
So many things I wanna say
Now I know that you're the reason
That I'm here today

Whenever you're here
Just stay near
We'll be alright, yeah alright

Hey little girl
Look what you do
Oh, I love you
Hey little girl
Look what you do, and you do
When all my love starts running thin
I got you my own Cailin
Hey little girl, I love you

I'll be alright
But I need you close
Please stay tonight
As long as you're here
Just stay near
We'll be alright, yeah alright

2008-06-21T19:28:00.002+08:00

It has been a very long time since i chill at home doing nothing but idle my life away.
Enjoying the simplicity of nothing.
Life has been a rush and a series of plans after plans.
The calmness of life not doing anything. Its serenity.
I feel at ease with myself.

2008-06-21T00:49:00.002+08:00

Everything just changed overnight.
I changed.
Hoping for something better.
I created my own pathway before letting it go. Mean!
I provided u with a sense of betrayal.
U provided me with a sense of pain.

Everything happens and changed for a reason.
Im not perfect.
I haven been the best this 2 years but i loved you the best way i knew how.
I go for thrills.
I have not been 100% honest with you.
I made my fair share of mistakes. And when you said you are willing to forgive me, i wonder how much of forgiveness are you willing to spare me.
I treated you in the nicest way possible hoping you would do the same too.
I wanted you to stop being mean and harsh towards me but somehow everything just falls on deaf ears.

In a relationship. Its not about being faithful only and its also not about being nice only.
Its a combination of both.
So if u think im wrong in every ways and you are right in every ways i welcome that.

And im sorry for wasting 2 years of your time.
And if u feel that it takes 2 years of your time to see my true colours then i say u are wrong.
Dun judge me.

2008-06-14T01:14:00.000+08:00

2008-06-12T22:42:00.002+08:00

A stranger made my day yesterday.

Im so forgetful that i totally forgot all about my bike key and left it on my bike without realising it. And so i only realised it when i wanted to make my way to Simpang. How uncool right. I was panicky and scared. Haha!
But a kind soul just made my day.
And my key was found!!!!!!
Thank you Kind soul!!!!!!!!

DARLIE ADVERT ANYONE...???

2008-06-02T01:42:00.002+08:00

CONGRATULATIONZ to our dear Dewi on her big day!

2008-05-31T00:13:00.002+08:00

I love cruising down the expressway in the wee hours of the night.

The breeze slapping my face. I feel free.

Thoughts start filling in.

This thing call life. I really do not know how to go about living it at times. How do i continue living it. How do i continue loving the people around me.

How do i go through the hurt and pain. I have hurt a fair share of people and i have my fair share of pain. Its a process that is damn difficult to go through but yet i HAVE to because sadly, life has to go on whether i like it or not. How i wish i dun have to hurt people and be hurt. But life doesnt give you that.

To love a person is hard. To want to please him. To want to always be there for him. To want to be the right one for him. To want to be the one to make him smile and laugh. To want to be the one to catch him when he falls.
How i wish there is someone out there who actually want me in that way.
I always doubt myself if i could ever be the best in loving a person. Because there are times i just want to stop loving because it is getting too trying and feeling injustice predominate. But i cant.

Mistakes are what im always good at. I can never run away from it. Be it making it knowing or unknowingly. And sorry is definitely not the solution. But yet im always saying sorry. Damn myself. I need to atone for the mistake that i did. Its a difficult process.

I feel like imperfect in every ways. From me to my family and to everything. Is there any way to perfect it?
It hurts to be criticise at. To be look upon as imperfect. It is damn uncomfortable. I have always been carrying this uncomfortable-ness every damn single day of my life. I may seem to not be bothered by what people say but deep down i know im affected by it. Its just that i choose to hide it. But that doesnt mean it can be continued. But sometimes people just dun realise it.
I look into the mirror and all i see is invisible scar and wound inflicted by me and the people who loves me.

Ps: What does it take for everything to be back to normal? Or do i have to live with this shadow through it all?

2008-05-30T23:45:00.003+08:00

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

Wake up - Coheed & Cambria

2008-05-30T14:48:00.007+08:00

I dun have much close frens to begin with but im glad for the few frens that i have who stood by me.
Frens who dun mind doing stoopid things together. Dun mind staying up late together. Dun mind making a fool of each other. Dun mind sticking to each other thru thick & thin. Dun mind doing nothing.

Been on leave and my time is spend hanging out with the babes and the boi. A time well spend. Recharging my low batt.

I can never run away from uncle Rokman Tom Yam steamboat sia. Yum yum! And so we got it.. haha! I will never get sick and tired of it. Simply lup it. Its a Tom Yam steamboat ritual for us. Addictive!!

"What happens in Las Vegas" is a must. And we have 3 hours to kill till then. So like what we always lurve doing. NOTHING. Haha! just slacking and chilling and sleeping. Haha! see how comfortable our dear missy is. =p

And definitely the many late nights spent together doing just simply nothing much but talking stoopid nothings. Haha! Staying up like an owl. Memorable!

The look of boredness and frustration getting lost at fort road! *Wink*

2008-05-22T03:21:00.003+08:00

Im quite ashamed to say this but alot of times, i do not appreciate life.

What made me ashamed?

Whenever i see people standing vigilant by their family member always giving hope. I felt so ashamed. Life is so precious that i didnt even bother thinking twice at times to just end it.

2008-05-20T17:33:00.004+08:00

The Vesak weekend

Had a wonderful weekend with the boy. Actually it was just doing nothing much but hang around eating supper, watching movie and window shopping for 4 days. Appear mundane but yet i enjoy every single bit of it.

FRIDAE

Made a trip to his work place and wait till he knock off. Meanwhile check our his valentine gift from me. Hehe! Finally got to touch the bear. Haha!
He intro me to this nice seafood beehoon and im now hooked to it!!!!
Made of honour was sweet. Ai yah. Those typical love story la that i lurve. hehe!

SATURDAY

We went back to eat the delicious Seafood beehoon. Yummy!
And chocolate was pretty great. I should say the girl was amazing getting all that injuries for filming just that show. But it was good.

SUNDAY

Its late night at Mustafa just see see, look look.

And the boi tried on this pretty cool bicycle.

Our night ends with supper which was rather disappointing and me feeling totally shagged out.

MONDAY.

First stop Far EAst to Left foot. Lear got the shoe finally. hehe!

Next was the singapore flyer.

The scape was serene and forest-like. Nice. Im gonna ride the flyer one day!

And have you seen such a huge cable before??? There it is - attached to the flyer.

I was pretty exhausted whent he day ends but i had to werk night and it was my first nite. Was pretty tired and sleepy but i pull through the night. Munching away. doing stoopid little exercise adn having patient who "entertain" me the whole night. haha!

2008-05-16T19:30:00.003+08:00

The end of something is the beginning of another - as the saying goes.

I look tough, heartless, cold and aloof but deep down im filled with sensitivity and raging emotions. Its just a cool facade.
But its definitely difficult for me to go through my day seeing the end of a life and people grieving around me. And their lives will never be the same again.

Holding back the tears and sadness was tough.

Im blessed for not experiencing grieve in life and i think it is a painful process to go through them.

My prayers goes to you. May you leave in peace.

2008-05-13T14:33:00.003+08:00

Finally own myself a new ride. My very own.
My baby.
Woohoo!

And todae mark the day i graduated from 2A...!!!! Yipee! Like finally.. haha! Although slow but i reached the peak!! Right hana..??? heeh!

She has been there. Will miss those days. Like how you piss me off for being late. How you were never early. The stoopid "peek-a-boo" that attracts unnecessary attention. haha! And everything. haha! And so...... what are you waiting for????? haha! =p

2008-03-30T00:29:00.003+08:00

No matter what you say about love,
I keep coming back for more,
Keep my head in the fire,
Sooner or later I get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger
I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my life
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realized nothing is broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo, just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking times
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think I could stop
Admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I've gotta be strong and leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realized nothing is broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo, just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

If I live every moment,
It won't change any moment,
It's still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do.

Tattoo - Jordin Sparks

2008-03-24T15:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes walking beside him is tough.

And sometimes i got tired of wondering how it should be. My mind screw me up..?

When the going gets tough i feel like a little child. Lost longing for a direction.

Im trying so hard to balance who i am and what i am when im with him. Am i losing myself too much that i feel lost whenever things went wrong.

Damn myself. Shame on me.

How do i control myself and not let myself look like one pathetic bitch.

I guess Men are born different from Women.

Maybe i should learn a trick or 2 from April issue of Cleo.. "Confidence tricks you can learn from men"
All i can do now is wait. Wait and wait for things to be better.

2008-03-22T13:24:00.003+08:00

Good Friday..!!

It has been ages since i went to Sentosa.. Was excited when hana suggested Sentosa on fridae. Agreed without much hesitation..

Hana was 3 hours late!!! Haha.. But all was good and well..

Well.. we played frisbee and took a dive into the sea.. No Sun. Haha!!
"Can i take a photo with you" incident... haha!!! Whatever la eh.. haha!

Anyway thanks to Hana.. we got into Underwater world and dolphin Lagoon. Both of which i have never been before... I was so excited and damn happy lor.. haha!!

All ended good... i was so damn hungry that chicken was all i could think about... Nasi Ayam!!!

A good friday indeed.

Not to mention.. All 3 of us are DAMN BROKE!!!!!
*counting down to pay day*

2008-02-19T16:54:00.002+08:00

I feel like a ticking bomb - it will explode anytime by inconsiderate, irritating and rude people along the streets.

Well i mean who doesnt get offended and turn off by such people right. Im brought up well by my parents to at least maintain the basic courtesy and manners in public.

Public transport is for the convenience for all public commuters alike. I simply dun understand.
In the bus. Why do people like to stand near the rear door and leave the back empty? Is it so hard to move right to the end so as to maximise the space available and more people are able to hop onto the bus. It is plain rude and inconsiderate.
There was once i was waiting for a bus for like a good 15 min. When the bus came, the bus simply drove past the bus-stop indicating that the bus is full. But as the bus drove past, what i saw simply pisses me off. Almost half the bus was empty. People were simply just standing from the rear door onwards. The back was simply EMPTY! Bloody hell. I was cursing and swearing boi!

Isn't it basic courtesy to let passengers alight first before boarding?
But why do people like to rush in once the MRT door starts to open. Chill man. The MRT driver wun just close the door on you unless of course the MRT is packed. I hate it when im alighting the train and inconsiderate people start rushing and pushing their way in. Please be civilise people.

And what are seats for...? For people to put their ass on in right? But why do i keep seeing people putting their bags/plastic bag/stuff on the seats next to them. It is called - taking unnecessary space. Why occupy seats for nothing especially during peak hours. Damn them man. Sometime i just feel going up to them and say " hey the seats is for people to seat and not for your damn bag".

Please people, be more considerate of the people around you.

2008-02-06T01:11:00.000+08:00

Things just doesnt seem right. I feel like i have screwed things up. The calmness before the storm.

Like whatever rite.

I feel like as if im being torn in between.

Whose fault? - mine.

Im like trying to dig my own grave lor. But the thrill just gets it going. Bad! Bad!

U know sometimes its so frustrating thinking that u thought u have always wanted this but then something came along and Phoof! those thoughts u had which u think it was like that kinda get swayed away.

Im not firm. If that is what it is.

I get hurt easily but does anyone knows about it?

Im tired. Damn my life!

2008-01-28T17:02:00.000+08:00

Its a Rolly Polly Sunday

Had a packed day on sunday with him. It was pretty exciting. We had it all planned last min.. Pretty cool.

Our first itinerary of the day was Pulau Ubin. It has been a long time since i cycle and work it out. Woke up to an early sunday and made our way to Pulau Ubin.
All the cycling has made me realise that im not fit at all. I thought my fitness level was doing fine but after the cycling, goodness i was deluding myself. I had this sudden urge to work out 2 times a week man! Haha!
All the sweating make me feels good.

The second stop was My dental appointment. Im counting the months to the removal of my braces!!!! Quick quick!!!! And it was the very FIRST time my lear lear accompanied me to my dental appointment... hehe!

After that was queensway shopping centre. I do not know how long have i not been there. It feels like years. The objective was to find air force Gold shoe. And so we searched But couldnt find any. But a pink Air force caught his eyes. The bad news is, its a women's pair. And the largest size couldnt fit him. Suddenly i feel like buying an Air force shoe.. Arghh!! But my Mantra this year is - Do not waste money!

Fourth stop was Chinatown. It was so crowded. As usual la.. Chinese new year are coming. Take a walk at the bazaar and taste some free food. Hehe! Its always nice to walk at this kind of bazaar because you get to see how eloquent all the sellers are and how well they did at promoting soemthing out of nothing. Pretty cool.

And walau! We took a walk at the shopping centre at chinatown and goodness.. 2nd storey and above was so sleazy that my heart was beating so fast. Their featured shows in their cinema is almost as close to porn movies man. haha! But it was an experience.

Pulau Ubin

Amidst the chinatown crowd

Im eating fishball curry. Yummy!

And so we head Home

2008-01-06T23:24:00.000+08:00

I am angry. Piss + Disappointed.

At times i feel like the most loneliest girl in the world and that all the names in my contacts are just there for the sake of filling up the numbers.

Time and time again i got disappointed and somehow i feel hopeless. I gave up.

I meant no offence to anyone but this is how i feel.

I had it all plan earlier but somehow last min it just didnt work out. I guess i put my hopes too high that i got hurt in the end. I mean what is the big deal right.. it is a big deal to me.

When i tried to make it work for myself it just fails.

I suppose i should stop hoping for a better birthday. Because the more i hope the more im hurt.

I just wish to drift away to nobody's island where im all alone.

At times i feel like the people whom im not so close to are treating me much better and appreciating me.

I guess my friends are beginning to hate me for who i am and they are getting tired of me i suppose. I have been feeling like this for so long and im finally saying it.

Haiz!

2007-12-24T15:05:00.000+08:00

We had our Ward 5D christmas party last fridae. We did it the potluck way.. Everyone brought something but i didnt because... there was enough food already la... haha!

We had games and gift exchange session.

Half the strength. These are the people i werk with and the other half is missing from the pics because its either they are busy werking, on night or not here yet.

The exchange gifts. She bought me a Minnie Mouse soft toy as i wanted.. Thank you!!

To all... I wanna wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Jingle bell jingle bell.............

2007-12-17T18:12:00.000+08:00

I have been practically damn lazy to even see in front of my comp and do anything.. haha! But i have the sudden rush to sit in front of my comp todae and do what i haven been doing in a pretty long time.. Blogging! haha!

THE MEET UP

It has been some time since we meet up, Due to work commitment and other personal commitments. Its always great meeting up with them cause we always have things to say and gossip about. Haha! True friends are hard to come by and im glad they did. I lup you babes alot.

GENTING

Had made another trip to Genting within a month time. I simply couldnt get enough of it. Call me "swaku" but i love being there. The rides and the casino.. Haha! The ride was amazing enough to thrill me making me ask for more. But it was abit of disappointing cause this time, it kept raining on and off, so i didnt managed to sit on all the rides as much as i wanted to though. But its alright. Its the company that counts. And its freezing cold over there. But it was simply great.. I cant wait for next holiday trip!!!
Where to? Where to?

SAHLINI'S ENGAGEMENT CUM BdAE

Finally.. Sahlini is engagement. Many congratulations to her and may GOD bless them. It was pretty exciting cause i have never attended an Indian engagement or wedding ceremony before and being there was an eye opener for me.. Congratulations babe. Now i cant wait to attend her wedding BUT i will she have to attend my wedding first.. haha!

2007-12-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

I got myself a new "toy". Hurray!

Been yearning for it for so long and i finally bought it. Though not of a top quality, its at least something. Heh!

Been experimenting and faced with a few failures but yet i can never get enough of it. Called it Obsession. haha!

My Toy

My failed attempt at Brownie.. haah!

My Chocolate chip..

2007-11-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

It is hard to comprehend relationship. Sometimes i feel that i try to hard to comprehend a relationship that i miss out on the process.

It gets tiring at times but it doesnt really shows because it is just between you and your inner self.

At times i gets tired of giving but the thought that the other party might not give in triggers a row of worries that it somehow bring about another round of giving again. Just when u feel like giving up, hopes get high and you totally forgot about everything.

The one who loves more is usually at the losing end. Cause when everything crumbles, you crumbles together.

Love is never fair i guess.

Its what you do that define you. Its what u say that provides hope and despair. Its what u do that matters. You never realise it.

2007-11-06T15:11:00.000+08:00

Syawal is almost drawing to a close. Hmm...

Looking back...

I did not jalan raye at all sia. Not even with my family. I suppose this must have been the most boring syawal for me boi.

I only had a mini open house and i went over shafa place for steamboat. I suppose it counts to something la.

So for a record, i wear my baju kurung only ONCE.. haha!

The saying goes that if u had a fulfilling ramadhan, syawal will be a great month. I guess i didnt managed to have a fulfilling ramadhan. I had trouble fasting despite the semangat-ness. Haiz. I hope GOD forgives.

2007-11-01T18:53:00.000+08:00

Happy Bdae Joyce...

2007-10-25T16:20:00.000+08:00

At times, it is harder battling with your inner thoughts than anything else.

I have been feeling the blues now and then. But i think i managed to keep it well. Im a person who allow emotions to rule over her because i trust my heart more than my head at times. And there is never a right or wrong way. It is just how u deal with what is ruling you.

I can be pretty rash and impulsive when thoughts run through me, but i have learnt to keep it in and rationalise them no matter how hurtful i feel. Though it is hard, i guess that is the way in life.

If things are meant to be, it will. Funny.

Trust is a very hard thing for me to grapple. With so many people on mother earth.

You know how some people just will stab u in the back. You know how some people who will just pretend to like you. You know how some people who will just betray u behind your back. You know how some people who are just super insincere.

I get very stress up when i start and end work. I just do not know who to trust. I hate it when people just talk behind your back and say things behind you. If i have things that are not done, tell me straight at my face and i will correct them, i will do it and then learn from it. Why is it so hard to leave it as that. There seem to be a need to tell someone. It is damn frustrating.
Everytime, i will ask myself if i have finish my werk thoroughly. If i have left anything out. If i have miss out anything. Freaking stress up.

It is so hard dealing with all the emotions running through me. At times it is just tiring having to deal with it.
Having to pretend that im alright. Having to pretend that im fine.

Relationship, work, friends.

2007-10-19T17:37:00.000+08:00

Thank you for coming. Though its not much but i hope you all did enjoy yourself. Those not in pic include, Zaki, Zac, Linda & hubby.

For those who cannot make it, its alright.. We will meet up soon ya..

2007-10-12T15:57:00.000+08:00

How nice it is to be missed and loved by someone who mean so much to you. But how often do u get it.

Im feeling the blues. Its like as if things are not going to go right. It feels different. It feels like as if my world is going to crumble and fall anytime from now.

Im feeling so vulnerable but yet no one for me to grab hold of.

Insecurities and doubt fill me. But how real and true it is. I dun know.

The confidence i thought i was building seem to hide away.

I just have this unsettlling feelings that doesnt go away. Its troubling and distressing. =<

Im totally not excited for anything at the moment.

2007-09-25T01:14:00.000+08:00

GOt this from Farz. She requested to. So i did it gladly.. For you Farz. List out your top 5 b'day presents u wish for:
1. A nice holidae to Australia with lear
2. Dinner with my family
3. An unlimited voucher to shop. Hehe!
4. A happy me for the whole year and many many years
5. A fun & thrilling dae out.
The person who you took this survey from: Farz

Your relationship with her is: Classmate in NR0415. Group 1 mate. Misfit.

Your 3 impressions of her: She is a chinese. Very active who doesnt seem to know that the word tired exist. Full of energy.

The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: I swear i cant remember.

The most memorable words he/she had said to you: Memorable.. hmm. Honestly.. i dun know..

The most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is: Erm.. Finish this survey i suppose.

If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Well.. i will pamper her.

If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: Sincerity and honesty.

If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: I will Not talk to her of course.

Your overall impression of him/her is: She is a nice girl.

How do you think people around you will feel about you?: They will feel that im arrogant & stubborn

The character(s) you love about yourself is/are: Im forgiving to people i love & care about.

The character(s) you hate of yourself is/are: I do not have confidence YET.

The most ideal person you want to be is: I also dun know.

For people that care and like you, say something to them: Thank you for being there for me, being sincere and forgivng. Thanks fo understanding that part of me. And loving me

2007-09-25T00:53:00.000+08:00

I haven been a good girl.. haven i... =p

2007-09-21T16:27:00.000+08:00

I made a wish. I know my wish will come true cause i placed great Faith in it.

In life, Faith is what everyone needs. Its something that cannot be touched, seen or felt but we know its there if we belief in it.

Its amazing how powerful Faith is.

Its not that i dun have Faith but a lot of times i let my fears get the better of me. I let my fear take center stage. With fear, i lost all faith i thought i had.
My Faith is not strong enough to put away my fears.

I must placed great Faith in God, myself, Family, You that i love ZT & friends.

I believe with strong faith brings great happiness.

2007-09-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

I wonder.

How great will it be if life is as simpls as ABC. Anyway who doesnt right.

Life complicated by whims and whams.

I know. Its all a matter of mindset. We think simple. Life will be simple.

How great it will be if i could just think simple. Seriously. I honestly wish i could think simple. Im always complicating things. Its amazing how far and how much i can think.

Dun ask me why it took me so long. It just happens. I guess i have been living a tiring life and i have decided to take a back seat in a good way. We grow with time. We mature as we age.

I decide to slow down and built what i have lost. Honestly i feel empty. It seems like i lack of something.

I want to be happy being me. Which include being confident of who i am, what im able to achieve and get.

At the moment im only 50% there. I do feel inferior. I do feel imperfect. I do feel that im not as beautiful (inside & outside).

I always feel i lack of something that others have. Its something like i must have what others have. I feel inferior and jealous if someone is much better than me in every ways. Its like i must be perfect. I must be what others are.
This is what i call lack of self confident in myself.

2007-09-12T20:27:00.000+08:00

Had another go at Donut Factory.. * something i can never get enough of at the moment*

Queued for 45 min with mummy.. and guess what.. we bought 3 dozen all in all.. We invited some stares but who cares. It was all satisfying cause i get to eat my Double chocolate.. yum yum...!

But what was disappointing was that i didnt managed to purchase the snowskin mooncake. Sold out!

To all my Muslim mates... SELAMAT BERPUASE

2007-09-11T17:20:00.000+08:00

Everyone knows how much i hate Numbers. But somehow, i cant seem to run away from it.

Had my Iv Meds course just now and hell yea i was lost. Especially the calculation part. I was so lost that i just stone there.

Thanks to technology.. we do not have to calculate so much BUT the test requires us to calculate... Arghhh!!!

Im very scared lor.. Definitely no confident in the calculation part...

Numbers are driving me crazy man!

How to pass like that.... Haiz!

2007-09-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

I have began to miss Donut factory Doughnuts!!!

Im not a fan of chocolate but the double chocolate is simply yummylicious... *drooling*

And finally my 2 best budz are well and kicking again.. One was down with viral fever and one was down with swollen leg left after an accident.
Kecoh!! haha!

2007-09-07T19:31:00.000+08:00

Im for BCLS recertification tmr..

Just when i thought tests are put to a hold for the time being.. it just has to continue. Im just too lazy to study. haha!

I just hope i pass.

And i hate audit. They never fails to aim the newbie in the ward. Like as if i love to be asked alot of question. Failed to answer= being blamed.

Audit means i have to remember alot of protocols. I have to remember alot of other things Re: ward. haiz! Got me all stressed up unnecessarily.

2007-09-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

Our body is an amazing creation from God but yet its a complicated system to comprehend.
The idiopathic disease, the inherited disease, etc. Its even more interesting as a women: whats with the "special" organ that clearly differentiate between men and women.

At times how i wish i was of the opposite gender. Save all the hassle. And save all the money. Dun get me wrong in any way. Im fine being a women but with what im having and experiencing, sometimes im better off as the other.

I love to think that im normal in every sense but when it strikes, it just got me snapping away. But what do i have to tell myself every single damn time it happens, ... "It happens. Im supposed to get used to it. And think otherwise - i will be ok".

And pain is definitely not a nice feeling to be experiencing.

People always say feign ignorence is sometimes best. And so i did. I feign it wasnt there. I feign that im alright. But fark. Signs got the best of me.

Its just a bother just having it. I cant be always running back to the Dr each time it happens. Im on medication. Im supposed to be ok. Sometimes im even unsure if i should go to the doctor. For fear of what i have to listen. And though im supposed to be open about it, i still find it embarrassing to describe details to my gynae. Its just embarrassing. Gosh!

I have doubts. Doubts of my fertility status. Im young. That render me to be fertile like alot of others around me. But doubts are what i carry every day.

I WANT to get married. I WANT to have children.

Some will say i shouldnt think so far. But im a women. Every single damn normal women [unless otherwise stated] would want to have a normal life, settle down and bear children.
Its just normal thinking behaviour of a women be it young or old. Married or single. Its something we women will think about.

Insecurities. Whatever people may say but This concerns MY future and that special one who is supposed to share it with me. It might even hinder me from having someone to accept and understand my problems - with an S. Not every man can accept what im having and the potential problems it might bring with it. Arghh! Im thinking a tad too far but what the heck la.

Ahhh.. its just depressing just going on about it. Mummy told me. Pray girl. I pray with you. Take care of yourself. Sleep well. Eat well.

*wonders* - does it help? And so its not such a special organ after all.

2007-08-30T18:39:00.000+08:00

For sushi buffet and movie it was.. It was fun..

Finally im doing something productive in the area concern - Social Life. It seems to lack for the past few weeks. Probably due to the fact that i need to adapt to the shift in my life. And also maybe due to some other contributing factor that gets me down this past few days.

The only energy i was capable of the past weeks was to head home. Pretty pathetic. But It doesnt have to always stay that way. Its all about adapting and mindset changing.

I know life doesnt stop when everything seems to be going wrong. But it sure is tough to keep on going in life.

When i needed someone to talk to [ quite badly ] few days back, it seems that i couldnt get anybody. I feel like the most pathetic girl then. So many numbers in my contacts but i couldnt grab hold of anyone i thought who would listen.

Surprises came when u least expect it. And so it happens. The person whom i didnt even thought of listen. Thank you for that matter.

Anyway its over. Life is definitely is too short to keep thinking back. I look ahead.

To shafa : Get well soon okay babe...!!
To hana : Hope your leg is getting better....

2007-08-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

FireWorkz... Yipee!!

2007-08-15T11:45:00.000+08:00

it has been very very long time since i log on into my comp. My comp had a break down and been having soe damn problems la.

And me so lazy and tired.. haven had the time to send to my uncle's place to get it done.. i will do it tmr.. somehow without my own comp i feel diff... hehe! I will send it tmr before i go wirk..

so hopefully by next week im able to get my comp back on shape.. haha!

alots of updates but haven had the time... hmmmm.... will do so next week when everything is settle..

so for now.. im still alive and kicking for those who are wondering la.. cause i haven been really contacting my friends.. hehe! Seem to have vanish hor.. haha!

2007-08-01T20:30:00.000+08:00

Who needs Psp When i have NDS....!!

Thank you lear!

2007-08-01T20:02:00.000+08:00

Happy Nurses Dae to all missy out there.....!

Its tough being one.

It is so much different from a student to a full pledged nurse.

Im undergoing alot of stress lately because i cannot cope with the workload. The pressure and responsibility is alot. I need to do things right. I need to be fast. I need to know my stuff.

Im definitely slow and there are things which i cant do right yet. I almost broke down from all the stress.
Im stress because i feel that i failed to meet their expectations. And i feel stress because i cant seem to be able to finish my work. Im stress because i feel that the staff are disappointed in me. I feel stress because i got no one to confide in. I feel stress because i still do not know alot of things. Im stress because i feel stupid.
Scolding is one of the most common antics im getting at work. And there are staff who are not patient enough. And there are nice staff whom im so afraid to let down. And there are times where i feel embarrassed to just ask questions regarding things im unsure about.

Im running around here and there just trying to finish my work which never seems to end. Worse of all.. they make us feel insignificant just because we are trainee but yet they expect excellent performance from us which is equivalent to the current staff whom they hold so much siginificance at work.

Give us a break. Common.. only a few fresh graduates are capable of excellent work.. but that doesnt mean we are not capable. We are just capable YET.

We are adapting and learning the rope. We are working hard. Cant u see it..?

U throw us into the sea and we are swimming. But they have to understand that there are times when we will get leg cramps from all the swimming.

I am slow but i work hard to improve myself. I am doing my best to learn every single damn thing that need to be learned. I do.

haiz!

I feel alone at work because im the only newbie in the ward. Huei Theng left for CDC. And so i have no one to share my stress and burden. Its tough being the only newbie.
You fall alone. You die alone.

Sometimes i cannot expect the people around me whom i care to render support to me. Because they will hardly do so. In the end im left with my own disappointment to clear up.

I learnt. " I cannot have high expectations. I cannot expect a person to care for me the way i care for them. I cannot expect a person to support me the way i support them. I cannot expect a listening ear the way i listen them. I cannot expect them to be there for me the way im there for them."

Because everyone is different. I can care for a person, support them, listen to them and be there for them. But that doesnt mean that my way is their way.
I may think they want it but they dun. I may think my way is right but it may not be right. I may think that im helping them but maybe im not.

So i guess i have to nurse my own wound. I have to nurse my own stress. I have to nurse my own disappointment. I have to nurse myself.

2007-07-24T19:18:00.000+08:00

It is so hard to comprehend relationship.

What does happiness do. Where does happiness lie?

Its so easy to rattle about wanting happiness in a relationship but what exactly is it..

I always want happiness but deeply.. i do not know what is it.

Happiness equates to happily ever after.

My vague definition of happiness is someone who can make me happy and accede to me.. someone who will be there for me when im down to share my pain. To pamper me. To love me wholeheartedly. To shower me with care and to understand me. Someone to share a future with, through ups and downs.

But i know its impossible for me to be able to get such a guy who fits into my happiness definition. Its too idealistic. So through many bad experience i feel that i do not know what is happiness.

So im selfish to demand happiness in this state.

So what right do i have to ask for happiness when i do not exactly know what is it.

Utter shame.

Work change my perception and it furthers prove that i do not really know what is happiness and that im selfish.

I need to find myself and what define happiness to me. With that then can i get it from my partner.

I know what i want in life.

But if to have what i want in life without happiness is the same as having nothing.

People need to live a fulfilling life not an empty life.

At the moment.. im happy being with Zhang Ting and there is nothing else that i want more then being with him. But my selfish act must stop if this relationship is to continue because i love him. Because There is nothing that i want more other than a man in my life to share my joy and sorrow. Someone who is true to me.

2007-07-18T20:04:00.000+08:00

Had a pretty rough week last week.

Emotions were in escalating turmoil. Mind was whirlwind-ing. Physical exhasution dawn upon me. It was all chaotic. I was in a terrible mess inside and outside.

Work and life.

I pluck whatever strength that was left to get my life back on track. The process wasnt easy but i learnt.

It is just not easy being me la. Change is somehow a big word with a slow process. I guess one day everything will come to light.

On a lighter note.

I attended my bestie wedding as a bridesmaid. Im really happy to be part of her big day actually.

I have always known since secondary days that she will be the first to get married among Rohani, her & me. And im really glad she has found her other half.

May her marriage be bless with many good returns.

The NewLy Wedded Husband & wife

Just me & them exclusiveLy...

And ocassion like this allow us to meet up with people we do not get to see in our everyday like. A sort of a gathering. And i was happy to see my sec sch mates and pri sch mates.. A time to catch up abit on the goings in our life.

Bestman. Newly Wed. Bridesmaid.

2007-07-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

And so the question that was posed to us was what are we most proud of..

And my mind just went blank on me. I hate question like this. Questions which require us to "sell" ourself.

When u do it right, its call confidence. When you do it wrong its call arrogance.

So i kept the paper blank. Not on purpose but because i cant think of anything that im proud about myself. But in the end Huei Theng wrote something for me.

Seriously.

My emotion plunged 13th storey down because i felt lousy not being able to even list one thing im proud of myself. This makes me feel worthless.

Yes. Im a girl who exudes little confidence and i do have the inferiority syndrome. Im sorry but i cant help comapring myself most of the time to people. But of course i dun openly compare myself la. Its just between me, myself and i. Its just something i do sometimes that nobody really knows.

And yes i feel lousy after that. Who is to blame.. Me lor.

I do not know how to brace myself up and look up in life. Live a life of confidence.

I guess im revealing a deepest flaw in me for people who haven really know me. Who thinks otherwise.

For those who knows me.. Nothing new huh...

2007-07-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

And so my weekend was packed with birthdaes...

Adrian's **th birthdae.. Er.. acting cool perhaps...

And with no pics to illustrate was Burn's bdae too..

Both are lear's friends.. i just extra la.. hahah!! Just to add on to the crowd.. =p

My beloved and pampered princess 7th birthday.. She got indulged with toys and clothes.. next year.. i shall contribute assessment books.. haha!

7 & 8 was Live earth. I abide. I wore green. Not only me.. Lear lear too!
The green squad part [2]..

2007-07-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

It was graduation day yesterday. A memorable day indeed. The 3 years spend through ups and down, perservering to get our most deserving diploma and some diploma in merit.

Congratulations everyone!

And what make it so much special this year is our graduation robe. Though it can be very uncomfortable and warm and troublesome, it gives a unified and dignified front to everyone. Proud moment.

With the graduation comes a reality knock check. No more school. And gone were the days when we will be rushing to lectures, rushing to class, mugging for exams and preparing for practical test.

And i have actually been under the Rigid Singapore school system for more than a decade and remembering back, it was all a journey worth taking and going through.

And come to think of it.. i guess my most insignificant days was when i was in college. If u ask around, i doubt anyone will remember me. I kept a very low profile to almost being invisible.It was tough being alone and all.. It is sad actually. But its over. Nevertheless, its still a journey worth taking.

Anyway.. aside from that. im pretty much enjoy my secondary and poly days. I LURVE it alot! Really alot!

I grow and learn. I gather experience. I mature.

And after digressing so much.. its back to my graduation day. haha!
Anyway it will not stop here. I will continue to pursue my studies to the best of my ability and time.

Because in life, its a continuous process of learning.

My Proud Moment.

The graduating class of 2007..!

The misfits have finally graduated! Way to go Peepz!

And its misfits with our much beloved parents.

My girlFriendz... We made it!

What we do best - Cam-whoring -

We jump with joy!! Cause Its our day..

My mummy..

With aLan Lim..

Smarties misfits

TO remember!

2007-07-04T20:29:00.000+08:00

And so work was *&*%&$%#%**&!@!#

Office hour is damn tiring for me.. or maybe im just not used to it..

I just cant wait for shift work to begin.. i guess im more accustomed to it.

But at least its pretty relaxing at the moment.. just loading information to the best of my brain capabilities..

The formal uniform..

From left to right: Hanpoopoo.. Lynn.. Kuku-Zi.. *amigos!*

2007-07-02T04:16:00.000+08:00

Its bloody 4.15AM and im still not asleep which i SHOULD!!

Im freaking tired.. reallie tired but i cant put myself to sleep.

Try lying down. Try closing my eyes. Try Tiring my eyes. I tried.

And so why am i on the comp.. well cause since i cant sleep.. i cook myself a packet of maggee mee and chat with my bro.. haha!!

I need to sleep la.. If not i will be a walking zombie tmr at work..

Arghh!!

Shall pat my self to sleep hopefully it works with ZT beside me.. =p

2007-07-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

And so the day finally arrive.

Its the first day tomorrow..

KamBaTei Lynn!

2007-06-29T12:04:00.000+08:00

I cant help but to be conscious about it.

Call it occupation related syndrome.. haha!

Maybe cause im medically trained, i cant help but to noticed how some Tv dramas inappropriatedly used the medical equipments in their show.

Hmm.. theorectically and practically *from what i learnt la* the way to use the oxygen mask is to put the string above the ears of the patient and if preferably to put gauze around the string to prevent redness.

Cant help but notice how Tv dramas inappropriately placed the string of the oxygen mask below the ear of the patients. And for me to watch it is pretty agonizing. How i wish i could like just tell them.. " hey be real la.. put it properly can!.." haha!!

Anyway.. its just a drama serial right.. I dun have to be so anal about it la.. haha!

2007-06-26T23:32:00.000+08:00

I finally got myself the Doo Doo man. Yipee!

Im a satisfied girl todae!

I will have Doo Doo man to accompany me everyday.

Hmm.. I shall name Doo Doo man ZT with all due respect to my lear!..

What is left now is to put lear's picture. A happy sweet expression & another an angry expression.

ZT will come handy in times of need.. hahaha!

2007-06-26T05:02:00.000+08:00

It was the Marathon weekend.

First on the itinery was DragonfLy..

The Babes that were present on Day 1. Dancing & Drinking the night away.
My Love.

After party was Sentosa..
My Boyfriend was caught. No hidin already hor lear!
When the day break through.. we had our oscar fantasy.

Hmm... My two second muscular lear! But i still love him for whatever he is. We took a dip and chill out at the coaste... Chilling out.... We had our sky ride... After a day in Sentosa.. It was back to DragonfLy when the night falls... And the party continues. Still surviving the night through Still hanging on. Everyone manage this 3 days 2 nights with barely 6 hours of sleep in total excluding the poor babe Joey who had none.

2007-06-26T02:02:00.000+08:00

PMS-ing

That has always been the lame excuse for whatever raging emotions we are feeling or experiencing every month.

Before i even go on.. Lets look at the very definition of PMS [ pre-menstrual syndrome ] *Got it from some online dictionary*
A varied group of physical and psychological symptoms, including abdominal bloating, breast tenderness, headache, fatigue, irritability, anxiety, and depression that occur from 2 to 7 days before the onset of menstruation and cease shortly after menses begins.

On that basis.. though women may have PMS as a reason to act irrationally every month, we dun feel good about it.
Its tiring to be clinged on by random fatigue, irritability, anxiety & depression. Any random words or thoughts could set me plunging to the extreme end of the emotional spectrum.

Sometimes no matter how much understanding and patience was rendered was deemed useless because we have our own set of fixed thoughts during these short period of raging emotions.

If there are symptoms, there are prevention. Definitely there are. BUt do take note that it is always easier said than done.
Its not that we never tried. I did. I tried brushing away stoopid and worthless thoughts away with whatever ways there are possible.
There are times i succeed but there are times i failed. For those times that i failed, life turn out hell for a brief moment. For those times i succeed, i congratulate myself.

Its never fun to be injected with such random useless thoughts. How hard can it be right...?
Its difficult to even pen down whatever we felt in mere words. You need to feel it to undertsnad it to realise how hard it is.

But for consolation - Its not every month that we feel this way and its not always very hard.

2007-06-19T15:15:00.000+08:00

I dun get it. Simply dun.

It is supposed to be a private affair between 2 person but somehow i feel that it has been violated by immature delinquents.

It is just not right.

Is it necessary to video the act and published it to everybody?

Do it behind close doors for goodness sake.

Isnt there any shame? Isnt there any morals?

I do not get it.

Is this what they call exciting and fun?

What is supposed to be left behind the doors stays there.

Im utterly surprised at the increasing rate.

2007-06-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

Feeling: Melancholic

Things remain the same but somehow messier. Been back there got me a slap back to the past memories. It used to be my sanctuary. A place i seek solace and hid away from the world when everything is not going right. It was cosy to my liking. It was simply the best. My nest.

What is left looks as if it was run down by a tornado. It was nobody's fault.

Yesterday was a special day for the person who provide the Y-chromosone to us. I felt as if i let everything down. I felt empty. It feels odd.

Life took a different turn for me.

Things has never been perfect for me since my world crumbled many many many years ago. But i learnt to pick myself up and fix the pieces back together slowly. I made myself stronger almost to being call cold and unfeeling. I guess it was my way of guarding myself of what was left after the ruined. But somehow whatever glimpse of hope i ever had was dashed but it didnt stop me from living.

However the repercussion of the experience left me maimed.

I do not live a wretched life. I do not live a life of abandonment. I do not live a horrible life.
Its just that my life is not as perfect as i wanted it to be.

Behind everyone's life lies a story and this is my story.

Sunday + Monday = Sad

2007-06-12T02:00:00.000+08:00

From a Guyz point of view...

They dun care if we talk to other
guys.

They dun care if we are friends with
other guys.

But when we are sitting next to them and
some random guy walks into the room and
we jump up and tackle him without
even
introducing them. . . It pisses them off.

It doesnt help if we sit there and
talk to him for ten minutes without
even
acknowledging the fact that they are still
there.

They dun care if a guy calls us but
at
2 in the morning they do get a little
concerned.

Nothing is that important at 2 a.m.
that
it cant wait
till the morning.

Also, when we tell we pretty/
beautiful/ gorgeous/
cute/ stunning, they freaking mean it.

Dun tell them that they are wrong.
They will stop trying to convince you.

One the sexiest thing about a girl is
confidence.

If they are going out with us in the
first
place, we dun have to feel the need
to wear the shortest skirt we have or
put on every kind of makeup we own.

They like us for who we are and not
what
we wear.

2007-06-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

Haven been in a great of health lately and life doesnt seem to go smoothly as i thought it would be.

Sitting in a corner wondering how life has past me by. How i have wasted living it. How unfulfilling life can be.
Its hard trying to be optimistic when everything just dampen your spirits. With each stone that i cleared came another one. It just never ends.

Looking everything at perspective.. i see a bleak road ahead. Misty and foggy.
Wanting and being able to have is 2 different thing.

I just want my life back into place but will i be able to have it is another question altogether.

2007-06-07T20:37:00.000+08:00

I think everyone deserve to be happy but not me.

All i can ever have is pain & misery.

I guess wanting the simplest thing in life is never easy.

Someone to hold me when i fall. Someone to love me. Someone to care. Someone to understand me.

When someone means so much to you, you become a totally different person. When someone means alot to you, u tend to do things that will hurt yourself.

So in the end im hurt. And its my problem and no one else just because he matter alot to me.

2007-06-07T19:58:00.000+08:00

I cannot do anything to ease my emotions cause the ball is not in my hands.

All i can do is wait by my phone every single day and every single min for your call.
For u to tell me that things are alright now.
For u to tell me that u miss me too.
For you to tell me that u love me.
For you to tell me you wanted to see me.

2007-06-07T17:57:00.000+08:00

Time seems to pass by so slowly without you here with me..

I feel like as if im better off dead..

Its just a torture every minute..